Jordan Petersen Tells Gunman To "Aim For A Meaningful Life!"
Toronto, Canada - Toronto Police arrested a man attempting to rob a bank this morning, but claims he had a change of heart in the process.
The robber, who can only be referred to as “Justin” for legal purposes, burst through the front door armed with an AR-15, much to the shock of bank patrons.
“Give me all your money!” Justin yelled.
“You’re not allowed to have black scary guns, they’re illegal in Canada!” responded one blue-haired Communist Party veteran.
“Wake up womxn!” Justin replied in the most respectful way possible. “Politicians only make rules to oppress the poor and marginalised!”
“Ohh…” said the womxn with blue hair, “My mistake, you’re doing great!”
Dr. Jordan Petersen, who was sitting down at the time, was focused intently on the man.
Suddenly, he stood up straight with his shoulders back.
“Put the gun down bucko! Instead of aiming that thing at us, you should be aiming at a meaningful life!”
Justin, a misguided male incel in his mid-20s, was shook to the core. He dropped the AR-15 (safety off) and fell to his knees.
Petersen, surprised at the effectiveness of his statement, slowly began making his way over to the robber, until he stood in front of him.
“You did well eh bucko,” he said, placing a hand on his shoulder, “but you need to take responsibility for your actions.”
“I'm calling the police, and I want you to be very, precise with what happened here. I want you tell to the truth, or at least don't lie.”
Justin agreed to tell the truth and take full responsibility for his actions.
Our reporter, who was first on the scene to interview Petersen, discovered he wasn't even supposed to be there.
“I never go to the bank in person. I was only there to unlock my account which was mistakenly flagged for ‘suspicious activities’. Third time this month, eh!”
Justin was last seen attending a Bible study in his prison's chapel.
Disclaimer
This article is satire.
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