Man Sues Employer Who "Destroyed His Soul" At Work
Chippendale, NSW - In a landmark case for Australian employment law, a man has won a $100 million settlement claiming his employer “destroyed his soul.”
Jonathon Grim, a 27 year old investment banker, alleges Macqestpac Financial subjected him to 80 hour work weeks creating boring powerpoint presentations.
“I felt like my soul was being crushed”, said Jonathon with a thousand yard stare, “and now I just feel nothing.”
“When I was in university, I used to hang out with friends, study hard and chase beautiful women. Since joining Macquestpac, I’m 20 pounds heavier because I sit at a desk all day and eat takeout to mask my feelings of being trapped.”
His lawyer, Mee Sue Yu, granted our reporter exclusive access to the method used to value his soul.
“We sought the opinion of a number of experts, including an economist, several nursing home residents and the elders of a Christian church.”
“The economist gave us a number based on projected lifetime income. Nursing home residents said it was priceless, which we can’t really sue for. Finally, the elders said nothing can be exchanged for a man’s soul, quoting Mark 8:36-37 from the Bible.”
“In the end, we just went with the economist.”
Macquestpac lawyer Daniel Reed articulated the opposing argument outside the courthouse after proceedings.
“The claimant was not a slave or held against his will,” he remarked while wagging his finger theatrically, “We have employment laws for a reason - to stop frivolous claims like this!”
“If his soul was in fact destroyed, he did it voluntarily.”
Jonathon told our reporter he plans to start a Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) consulting firm with the payout.
“It’s all about making the world a better place,” he said with a cheeky smile on his face.
Author’s Note
This article is satire.
Mark 8:36-37 “36 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? 37 Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?” (NIV)
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