Brisbane, Queensland - In an effort to improve his standing with female constituents, Queensland Premier Steven Miles MP has vowed to help women with a deeply personal issue.

“I understand how hard it can be for ladies to go without feminine hygiene products. Believe me…I do.”

“That’s why my government is making them available across 500 schools in the state, and outside my office!”

“Our government believes anybody who needs tampons or pads should have free access to them. It’s making a real difference already!”

The move comes as a recent YouGov poll placed Labor at 27% of the primary vote.

More to come.

In a move that upset 70% of the workforce, WhiteStone Financial has announced a women-only workforce policy, utilising the gender pay gap to their advantage.

The announcement was made by CEO Marcia Bradley in the first company-wide meeting of 2024.

“At WhiteStone, we're at the forefront of financial and social engineering,” Marcia announced with great pride, “And these challenging times are no exception.”

“Therefore, in order to protect our cashflow moving forward, we have decided ALL employees will be women by 2025.”

“This will cut labour costs by 16%. What a bargain!”

The physical and virtual Zoom crowd responded with obligatory claps and cheers, including men who were confused and deeply uncomfortable.

“Wait, does that mean we're fired?” asked one male graduate after the meeting.

“I don’t know,” responded another, “Maybe if we become trans-women and take a pay cut, they’ll keep us?”

Others male graduates quit on the spot to chase Tiktok fame.

Thanks to Imogen Nairy for being onsite for this report.

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Disclaimer: This article is satire, for now!

Sydney, Australia - In a moment collective realisation, the Australian Feminist League (AFL) has decided they don't want to do everything men do, if it means fighting in World War 3.

The topic was raised at their monthly sisterhood meeting, held last Friday at the Sydney University Of Science (SUS).

“So let’s say, like, World War 3 happens”, began Janice Brooklyn, Chairwoman and unofficial conversation starter, “Are we fighting with the boys?”

The statement sparked murmurs and discussion from the crowd, as well as some laughter.

One woman who resembled Thelma from Scooby Doo responded.

“If it’s in our best interests, we should do it. We should leverage them as an ally to further our cause. No sacrifice is too great for our liberation.”

Some members approved, while others doubted the strategy.

“I think we should let the boys fight it”, said one woman, “If we let them fight it, it weakens the patriarchy and makes it easier to achieve our goals.”

A large portion of the crowd cheered in response.

“Woo! Yeah girl!” yelled a distinctly masculine voice.

“Well it sounds like we have our answer!” announced Janice in a self-congratulatory tone. “We’ll let the boys handle World War 3.”

Imogen, who was quite bored by this point, asked a provocative question. “Well, if women have total equality with men, shouldn’t they have the exact same responsibilities?”

The room went from a murmur to completely silent.

Suddenly, as if on a swivel, the girls snapped back to face Imogen at the back of the room, looks of contempt covering their faces.

Imogen had not felt this insecure since highschool.

* Thanks to Imogen Nari for her contribution to this story. Our reporter did not meet the AFL’s definition of “female”, so enlisted an incognito correspondent named Imogen to gather the details of this story.

Disclaimer

This article is satire, but probably happened somewhere!

Lagos, Nigeria - The family of tribal prince Mansa Zabu have gathered to read his Last Will and Testament, only to discover an Aussie pensioner will inherit his $50 million estate.

The document was read on a large patch of lawn at the family property in front of 300 close family and friends.

“I know you will fight over my estate after I depart,” read the lawyer in the middle of the crowd, “so I am using my will to unify you in a common experience.”

He paused, taking a deep breath before announcing the difficult news.

“Nobody in my family will inherit my estate.”

“Instead, I will give it to a nice Australian pensioner called Donna. She was the only person to give me money when I was trapped on a desert island in 2004.”

“I’ve provided liberally for everybody here, especially my wife and children. I hope you learn to be content with the riches you already have.”

An uproar from the crowd ensued. They began pushing forward, threatening to crush the lawyer and our reporter who were stuck in the middle.

Upon returning from Nigeria, our reporter met with Donna to ask about her future plans.

“I don't know why he wants me to have it,” replied Donna, her eyes remaining glued to Channel 9's Today show, “I just want a bigger TV, so I can get a better view of Karl Stefanovic’s face.”

Disclaimer

This article is satire, a cheeky spin on the Nigerian Prince scam. Prince Zabu and his family are a work of fiction, but apparently tribes in Nigeria do have royal families.

Previous Article: Katter Declares Sovereign State To Tackle Youth Crime

Innisfail, Queensland - Fed up with Queensland’s approach to youth crime, Bob Katter has used the Christmas break to secede his electorate to found The Republic Of Katterstan.

The declaration of independence was made at his Innisfail electoral office, now serving as a makeshift Parliament building and rebellion headquarters.

Our reporter, who was leaving the nearby hobby shop, witnessed the event as it unfolded. He was second on the scene apart from 5 teenage boys wearing balaclavas.

“I’m sick and tired of city slickers telling us how to solve country problems,” announced Katter from a megaphone, standing on the tray of his Toyota Hilux.

“I’m starting a new country to put down the threat of youth crime, which is ravaging our great nation.”

“In Katterstan, the people's militia protect us from enemies home and abroad. Youth crime at home, Milesy and Albo abroad!”

“Long live Katterstan!”

Premier Miles wasted no time responding to the wayward minister, holding a press conference within the hour.

“Listen here ya cheeky grub!” Miles countered, “You can’t just steal a piece of land nearly triple the size of Victoria.”

“We’ll turn your electorate into a colony if you keep this up!”

Prime Minister Albanese was also sought for comment, but appeared uninterested in the situation.

His response was simple and matter-of-fact:

“Hold a referendum.”

Disclaimer

This article is satire. Don’t start a sovereign state!

I know I said I’d wait until Jan 1st, but then I thought Saturday is a good day to send emails out :)

Previous Article: Man Sues Employer After Soul Was "Destroyed" At Work

* Image Of Bob Katter by Parliament@Work, CC BY-SA 3.0 AU <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/au/deed.en>, via Wikimedia Commons (Modified)

Except where otherwise noted, the Republic Of Katterstan Flag is licensed under http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

Chippendale, NSW - In a landmark case for Australian employment law, a man has won a $100 million settlement claiming his employer “destroyed his soul.”

Jonathon Grim, a 27 year old investment banker, alleges Macqestpac Financial subjected him to 80 hour work weeks creating boring powerpoint presentations.

“I felt like my soul was being crushed”, said Jonathon with a thousand yard stare, “and now I just feel nothing.”

“When I was in university, I used to hang out with friends, study hard and chase beautiful women. Since joining Macquestpac, I’m 20 pounds heavier because I sit at a desk all day and eat takeout to mask my feelings of being trapped.”

His lawyer, Mee Sue Yu, granted our reporter exclusive access to the method used to value his soul.

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“We sought the opinion of a number of experts, including an economist, several nursing home residents and the elders of a Christian church.”

“The economist gave us a number based on projected lifetime income. Nursing home residents said it was priceless, which we can’t really sue for. Finally, the elders said nothing can be exchanged for a man’s soul, quoting Mark 8:36-37 from the Bible.”

“In the end, we just went with the economist.”

Macquestpac lawyer Daniel Reed articulated the opposing argument outside the courthouse after proceedings.

“The claimant was not a slave or held against his will,” he remarked while wagging his finger theatrically, “We have employment laws for a reason - to stop frivolous claims like this!”

“If his soul was in fact destroyed, he did it voluntarily.”

Jonathon told our reporter he plans to start a Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) consulting firm with the payout.

“It’s all about making the world a better place,” he said with a cheeky smile on his face.

Author’s Note

This article is satire.

Mark 8:36-37 “³⁶ What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? ³⁷ Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?” (NIV)

Previous Article: Bank Goes "Women-Only" To Save 16% On Wages

Los Angeles, USA - Vegan bodybuilder and Twitch streamer SoyTroy has sold $500,000 of “fungus leather” shoes, earning himself a nice cash bonus.

The shoe range, known as “Foot Fungus”, started as an inside joke on his weekly livestream.

“It came up in the chat for months on end” recalled Troy, straining to lift some 5kg dumbells, “then I thought ‘What if we actually made it?’”

“So we hired a guy who figured out how to turn dry fungus into a ‘skin’, kind of like leather.”

“Once we realised fungus leather was possible, profitable AND sustainable, we started taking the idea seriously.”

Troy also recalled the unexpected response to the idea, which he shared with his 1.2 million YouTube subscribers.

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“My fans loved the idea, so we launched a crowdfund campaign of $20k and got 10x that.”

Troy, who was about to start a gruelling 10kg legpress, also discussed his future plans for fungus leather.

“Some people would just cash out and buy a house, but that’s too boomer for me.”

“I'm starting a fungus fashion empire of jackets, bags and phone cases. And that's just the beginning.”

Since Boxing Day, Troy has received an additional 1,500 orders of “Foot Fungus” from his website.

Disclaimer

This article is satire. I don’t know if fungus “leather” is possible or safe. Apparently vegan bodybuilders do exist and can get big?

Sydney, Australia - A local Sydney man is being hailed a hero after deciding to stop breathing to reduce his carbon footprint.

Kilmi, a 32 year old climate scientist from the Sydney University Of Science (SUS), announced his intention to stop breathing on his Facebook, Instagram, Threads, Snapchat, Wechat and Tiktok profiles.

Our reporter, who was invited by Kilmi to the protest labelled “Just Stop Breathing”, told our reporter it was the only logical conclusion.

“The average human releases about 1kg (2.3lb) of carbon dioxide each day,” Kilmi noted, his face beginning to appear bright red, “If we extrapolate over 90 years, that’s almost 33 tonnes!”

“Everyone should stop breathing if we want to save the planet, except for cute little puppies - they deserve a carbon offset!”

Kilmi then decided to stop speaking, ensuring no further carbon dioxide left his mouth and nose.

A student doctor, who was present to supervise and film, had nothing but praise for his actions.

“Very few people have the courage to act on their convictions. That’s why I wanted to film it and show the others in my class.”

“Maybe we can convince some of our patients to stop breathing!”

While the university did not condone nor condemn the actions of Kilmi, the event caught the attention of a professor and WEF member known as “Professor Mike”.

Deeply interested in the situation, Professor Mike proposed a study to determine how many people need to stop breathing to solve climate change.

DISCLAIMER

This article is satire. Don’t try this at home!

Previous Article: Hamas Praises Western Intellectuals At Office Christmas Party

Undisclosed Location - Hamas leaders have paid tribute to Western academics at their Office Christmas Party, hosted in a dining hall with cement walls.

Our reporter, who was given exclusive access to the festivities, was required to make the 8 hour journey wearing a blindfold.

“This year has provided many opportunities to weaken the Jewish state and their population”, remarked Ismail Haniyeh, Chairman Of The Hamas Political Bureau.

“However the contribution of some does not get the recognition it deserves.”

As he finished his sentence, waiters emerged from a thick vaulted door to distribute glasses of sherbet, a non-alcoholic drink made of ice and fruit juice.

“Western intellectuals and college students are our greatest champions outside the Middle East.”

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“They provide much needed assistance to our organisation, and are easy to persuade.”

“To those of you who support the extermination of Jews without a second thought, we salute you!”

Haniyeh then pronounced a toast in Arabic, “Nakhbak!”, clinking glasses with others on his table.

Before the long journey home, Haniyeh also requested that ‘Queers For Palestine’ join next year’s party.

Disclaimer

This is satire. We aren't taking a side on the war. We are criticising blind following, which anyone is capable of!

Previous Article: Australian Communists Will Spare Bourgeoisie If They Make iPhones

Sydney, Australia - In a surprising decision, the Australian Communist Party has voted 30-1 in favour of sparing some bourgeoisie post-revolution, provided they have experience designing, assembling or fixing iPhones.

The vote was held at their midnight national convention in Sydney, located around an illegal camp fire on Bondi Beach.

“It was a mad hard choice”, remarked 19 year old Dahlia Myers, senior party member and social media influencer, “But, like, iPhones own the story”.

“We're so done with the whole capitalist and bourgeoisie scene but, like, we need their production to make communism drip.”

Our reporter looked down at his Gen Z translator app, which gave the following result:

“It was a tough choice, but we need iPhones to control the public narrative. We despise the capitalists and the bourgeoisie, but need their means of production for communism to work.”

This sentiment was echoed among the group, who were all a similar age and profession.

However not all were content with the results of the vote.

Jacqueline Greer, 59 years old and the oldest member by 35 years, told our reporter why she decided to vote against the proposal.

“It’s utter nonsense! The kids just love the Tiktoks and they’re too scared to admit it!”

“Back in my day, you had to SACRIFICE for what you believed in and WORK HARD to achieve your goals!”

When our reporter commented that she sounded a bit like Alan Jones, he reflexively ducked as she returned with an open palmed slap.

“How dare you! GET HIIIIIIIIMMMMMM!!!”

Realising the situation had deteriorated, our reporter retreated, bolting through the sand to his rusty Mitsubishi Magna.

He was last seen being chased by 31 angry communists on e-scooters, leaving a trail of vape smoke behind them.

Disclaimer

This article is satire.

Previous Article: Disney Replaces CEO With A Mouse To Promote Diversity

California, USA - In an unprecedented move, The Walt Disney Company has replaced CEO Bob Iger with a literal mouse.

It comes as Disney faces numerous challenges including expensive movie flops, incessant woke preaching and legal battles in Florida.

“Three months ago, the Disney board met to determine the fitness of Bob Iger as CEO”, announced Kristina Schake, VP of Global Communications.

“After much discussions, they decided he is not the right fit moving forward.”

“We searched far and wide for a replacement, and we found the perfect candidate to get the wheel turning again”.

Kristina bent down to pick up a small cage at her feet, then placed it on the table in front of her.

“Ladies and gentlemen, meet our new CEO - Mickey, the mouse”.

The news was met with loud audible gasps from the crowd, according to our on-site reporter. Mickey squeaked in response, but appeared a little shy.

“At Disney, we believe who you are should not limit what you’re able to accomplish, and that we needed a diverse and underrepresented voice to be our CEO.”

“For many years, a mouse has propelled the success of our company, and today we hope to capitalise on what worked well for us in the past.”

As press were invited to ask questions, our reporter took the opportunity to ask how the appointment of Mickey might impact investor confidence.

“I’m sure they’ll come along with us on the journey. Next question!” replied Kristina.

Disclaimer

This article is satire.

Previous Article: Jordan Petersen Tells Gunman To "Aim For A Meaningful Life!"

Toronto, Canada - Toronto Police arrested a man attempting to rob a bank this morning, but claims he had a change of heart in the process.

The robber, who can only be referred to as “Justin” for legal purposes, burst through the front door armed with an AR-15, much to the shock of bank patrons.

“Give me all your money!” Justin yelled.

“You’re not allowed to have black scary guns, they’re illegal in Canada!” responded one blue-haired Communist Party veteran.

“Wake up womxn!” Justin replied in the most respectful way possible. “Politicians only make rules to oppress the poor and marginalised!”

“Ohh…” said the womxn with blue hair, “My mistake, you’re doing great!”

Dr. Jordan Petersen, who was sitting down at the time, was focused intently on the man.

Suddenly, he stood up straight with his shoulders back.

“Put the gun down bucko! Instead of aiming that thing at us, you should be aiming at a meaningful life!”

Justin, a misguided male incel in his mid-20s, was shook to the core. He dropped the AR-15 (safety off) and fell to his knees.

Subscribe Bucko!

Petersen, surprised at the effectiveness of his statement, slowly began making his way over to the robber, until he stood in front of him.

“You did well eh bucko,” he said, placing a hand on his shoulder, “but you need to take responsibility for your actions.”

“I'm calling the police, and I want you to be very, precise with what happened here. I want you tell to the truth, or at least don't lie.”

Justin agreed to tell the truth and take full responsibility for his actions.

Our reporter, who was first on the scene to interview Petersen, discovered he wasn't even supposed to be there.

“I never go to the bank in person. I was only there to unlock my account which was mistakenly flagged for ‘suspicious activities’. Third time this month, eh!”

Justin was last seen attending a Bible study in his prison's chapel.

Disclaimer

This article is satire.

Previous Article: Joe Rogan Reveals Neuralink Implant, Makes "Young Jamie" Redundant

The stunning revelation was made on the last episode of his podcast featuring Elon Musk.

Rogan, now 56, detailed the impact of this life-altering decision in a prepared statement.

“Dear friends. In May of this year, I became the first person to undergo a successful procedure to have a Neuralink installed in my head.”

“Since then, the changes in my life have been radical. I have access to the sum of all human knowledge and have become the smartest human alive, except for Elon, but I still can’t tell if he’s fully human.”

Joe paused for a moment to collect himself. Elon placed a tentacle on his shoulder as a sign of support for his friend.

“As I explore this next stage of human evolution, I have also been pondering the future of this podcast…”

He took a deep breath. A single tear dropping from his right eye.

“That’s why I’ve decided that Young Jamie is no longer needed to ‘pull things up’ for me, and we have reached a mutually agreed upon settlement.”

“I wish Jamie all the best in his future endeavours, and ask that you respect both our privacy at this time.”

Our reporter, who was forced to watch this podcast episode, was deeply moved.

Joe then preceded to order a large double pineapple anchovy pizza using only his mind, and went onto claim that a grizzly bear would “for sure defeat a CyberTruck in a street fight”.

Jamie was last seen roaming the streets of Austin, desperately begging strangers to let him “pull things up” for them.